The (Non) Schedule

7-8pm Monday: sleeping 8-9:15: screaming 9:30-5:30 am Tuesday: sleeping (more or less) 6:30-9: kicking mama 9-10:30: awake 10:30-12: sleeping 12-2:45: awake 2:45-3:50: sleeping 3:50-7: awake

and we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.

Chaos: 2, Schedule: 0.

I'm feeling better today. Blake isn't sleeping any better, nor is the new schedule working out as planned (it's 9:20 and he's watching teevee with the Boy). But I realized that most of my problem yesterday was a frustrated sense of entitlement. This is the hardest part of parenting for me: I get some big idea that I can accelerate Blake's development in a way that makes him more convenient to me and then I get frustrated because I can't cause change overnight. I know that if I could just get rid of the false standards set by Spock & his ilk I'd be much happier - but there's a part of my mind that believes that he should be sleeping through the night in his own bed. That he should be a tiny man, in other words, and not a wee baby. This is that false sense of entitlement I was talking about earlier.

Anyway. We had a whiny day today, so I'm feeling worn down. Schedules go out the window when I'm worn down. I capitulate to chaos when I'm worn down. Good thing that the Boy is there to pull up the slack. They're reading now. It's the most charming sight in the world and I'm eternally grateful that the Boy can show Blake the patience he deserves even at the end of the day.

Tonight at the La Leche meeting I was asked what I would recommend as the best advantage to breastfeeding. I thought about it and came up with the following:

After Blake was born, I suffered from post-natal depression. As soon as the euphoria wore off, I plunged into complete emotional disarray. My family tried to help me by taking Blake off my hands, but their kindness had the opposite effect: every minute I was away from my baby, my identity crisis worsened. And he kept losing weight. The only thing that I could do for my tiny baby was nurse him. No one else could give him the cuddling & food that he needed to thrive. Breastfeeding built our bond from the ground up. It was the starting point to renewed self-esteem and a feeling of competence. That's the greatest advantage to breastfeeding: it confirms your essential worth as a person and as a mother.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 5/25/2004 07:51:00 p.m.