Let's see, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, I stopped right before my mental health day. My nerves have been cranked to the screaming point this month; even though I feel physically better (i.e. my colds have largely dissipated), I am constantly anxious about my responsibilities. Last week I felt like screaming all the time, so I took Thursday off in lieu of going bonkers and losing my job. It didn't really help: the Boy & I argued a lot and I cried a lot and I felt anxious a lot. The next day I actually felt better, as I was getting things done. This is my old pattern to a T; I am terrifically worried until I get in there and then I'm fine. At least the anxiety attacks haven't started up, although I've been careful with the sugar to avoid triggering it.

My depression is also swelling; by the end of last week I was starting to think about self-destruction, especially during the morning commute. I should know better than to use books to solve my emotional problems (see 1997, re: Ophelia), but I went ahead and quoted Holden until I couldn't speak for sobbing. Good move on my part.

This weekend was mostly my attempt to relax, drink a few beers (self-medication! Yay!) and reconnect to my family. It's been a partial success in that I got some work done and had some moments of clarity and relaxation. I still feel like a violin string wound a notch past useful. This morning in church I had another crying spell when I realized I was supposed to speak during the service and look after kids afterward; I'd blanked on both responsibilities and forgotten a crucial piece of paper at home to boot. The worst part about crying in church is that everyone is so sympathetic. It makes me feel worse for going all boo hoo hoo and wasting everyone's concern.

So yeah. That's my ugly little window into my ugly little mind. Stay tuned; this week promises more guilt, more stress and more tears as I try to co-ordinate Blake's birthday. Yay.

- 0 comments/hedgehogs -

- Rocketbride's adventure of 12/04/2005 08:19:00 p.m.