morning

I feel like a crumbled ball of paper in a fire. I feel like the day will transform me into instant ashes, and there won't be any soot left over to blow away on the breeze.

Was I ever happy?

evening

Pretty awful day. I felt like screaming through most of it, and I had to struggle for the resolution to leave the shower (or even to arrive at work; I was thinking about checking into a hotel and having some serious “Hours” style wallowing). Ultimately I survived without offending anyone or losing my job, which is my new target. Being quietly miserable at least keeps bread on the table.

It was just my luck to read the following passage from Catcher in the Rye today. Holden is walking across Manhattan:

Every time I'd get to the end of a block I'd make believe I was talking to my brother Allie. I'd say to him, "Allie, don't let me disappear. Allie, don't let me disappear. Allie, don't let me disappear. Please, Allie." And then when I'd reach the other side of the street without disappearing, I'd thank him.

I was very, very close to crying when I read it aloud; somehow I managed to get through the sentence without breaking down. Just like the suicide scene in “The Royal Tenenbaums”, it was a triggering moment. Man, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of the week, let alone the rest of the year. My time at Hogsboro High can’t end soon enough.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 11/29/2005 07:45:00 p.m.