Another awful day. I continue to labour under a cloud of dark suspicion, snagged occasionally by the roots and brambles growing into my path. I'm undergoing the "splinters under the fingernails" approach, where tiny indignities are being heaped upon me to provide that last bit of leverage. Sorry about the dense metaphors, but I can't talk about this other than to say that I am tormented with anxiety about my situation, and occasionally tormented by small purposeful acts designed to eat away at my façade.

I can't believe that I was so arrogant as to claim happiness a few weeks ago. The way I felt today - knotted up, terrified, queasy and ill-tempered - was a lovely vacation to the first year of this job. I'm thinking seriously about quitting before I'm humiliated. The only things keeping me going are my support from a few key players and my desire to provide for my family. Every thing else is as substantial as a shadow at midnight.

In only slightly better news, I'm on my period again. This means that the Boy really does smell. I made him apologize for being such a pill over the last 2 1/2 weeks, and he, happy as a clam to remain unexpecting, did so with joy.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 10/03/2005 12:12:00 p.m.