Today the Boy & I bundled up our baby, slipped him into the new birthday sled, and took off looking for snow.

We found some. Lucky for us, we live where our house is.

It's been a great Christmas. A pared-down Christmas, to be sure, but all the better for that. I saw Scherezade yesterday and over soy chai lattes (or what she calls "the gayest drink ever") I confessed my loneliness. I can do that to her; now that she lives in Sierra Leone, she can take my frustration & sadness for what it is and not as an unpleasant passive-aggressive plea for attention. In other words, I could bitch without a thought to the consequences.

Much more than the lattes, the talk refreshed. I find that it has acted like a confession, and the telling has clensed me. I think, therefore, that my job is to go on in the New Year without looking to all sides for companions. I don't mean that I'm giving up on people this year. What I want to give up is the useless wanting for something else. I am not a lazy university student any more, nor am I simply a young girl working in a difficult place. I am also not just a mom, although that's one of my favourite responsibilities.

I am something different. A combination that melts away some edges and keeps other contradictions intact. And being such a jumble, I cannot expect everyone to keep up. For most of my adult life, I've wanted all the loves of my life preserved in amber, so I can feel secure. This is what I want to give up in the New Year, this useless frustration with what can never be again and what probably never was.

I just need to be me for awhile. Ironically, making peace with myself will bring me back the truest souls, because I won't need to clutch at their retreating ankles and scare them further away.

Stories from Christmas are on their way, still wrapped up in my head. Yesterday I felt anxiety about this, but now I'm sure that whatever was meant to be told will be out eventually. There's time enough for it all. Today I went for a walk in the snow instead. I think it was a pretty good bargain.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 12/28/2004 09:10:00 p.m.