1. Notice baby is sleepy in afternoon. Look at clock and decide that baby cannot possibly be tired, as his last nap was less than two hours before.
2. Drag baby to Baby Time.
3. Watch baby fold himself listlessly into your lap while other babies have a good time. Notice flushed cheeks. Wonder why you ever wanted a baby who would sit still for a minute; this is horrible.
4. Take baby home. Watch him refuse dinner and sit limply in grandfather's lap. Decide to put him to bed early.
5. Take his temperature. Coincidentally, his temperature is the highest possible temp a baby can be before you must call the doctor. Nurse him to sleep, despite his tendency to want more milk than you've been able to provide for months.
6. Hear him wake up after an hour. Be unable to soothe him. Hand him over to his grandfather, who is hovering worriedly outside the bedroom door.
7. Repeat.
8. Hear him wake up. Nurse him to sleep in the big bed. Leave a pillow stacked up against him in the vain hope that he won't fall off the bed. Vow to self that you will listen extra carefully for the slightest sound that might presage a plummet from the mattress.
9. Hear him wake up. Find him halfway across the bed, muddled but agreeable. Cuddle him to sleep; marvel at his ability to mutter syllables even in extremity. Attempt to leave him on the bed while you put on night-gown.
10. Hear him wake up and cry.
11. Try to soothe him with your voice. Hear him cry harder. Realize that he is blundering around the bed in the dark.
12. Give up any pretence at normality and turn on the light so that he can see the edge of the bed until you can get your damn night-gown on.
13. Get your damn night-gown on.
14. Get into bed, turn out the light, and snuggle down. Feel him resist sleep and crawl angrily over and over you for a good twenty minutes before giving up and going to sleep. In the middle of that, despair that you ever put him down that last time.
15. Toss and turn. Listen to your baby snore congestedly. Think about the job you have to return to in a few months. Toss and turn. Listen to your baby snore some more. Toss and turn.
16. Wake up with the baby. Soothe him back to sleep.
17. Repeat.
18. Repeat.
19. Repeat.
20. Allow helpful husband to take fussy baby out of the room. Fall asleep immediately.
21. Accept fevered baby back into big bed. Soothe him back to sleep.
22. Wake up with the baby. Soothe him back to sleep.
23. Repeat.
24. Get up for the day. Realize that it is almost ten o'clock. Rush to phone and try to head off the two meetings you won't be able to make because your baby is sick. Find one. Apologize.
25. Spend morning watching baby's temperature climb and fall. Try to get him to eat with little success. Watch in stunned disbelief as he turns down a banana.
26. Go grocery shopping for baby's birthday party. Find all-natural cheese crackers called "cheddar rabbits," buy them to alleviate guilt for leaving sick child with loving father.
27. Return home. Notice that baby is a sweaty rag in your arms. Take temperature and see that it has shot into the danger zone.
28. Go to clinic with mother and baby. Watch baby revive and put on an all singing, all dancing revue for waiting patients.
29. Greet father, who came to meet us.
30. Listen to strangers refer to your baby as "she" due to pink kitty outfit. Giggle inside.
31. Watch baby bounce in your father's lap. Encourage baby to destroy Similac Mothers' Club brochures. Carry happy baby around the room to look at Christmas decorations. Hear baby repeatedly declaim something that sounds a lot like "cock." Wonder if this is the same baby who couldn't even work up the energy to cry an hour ago.
32. See doctor. Help her to hold down protesting baby. Feel guilty. Give details. Get no answers.
33. Return home. Try to feed baby yoghurt. Fail.
34. Put baby to sleep. While rocking cranky fevered baby, feel like crying. Don't.
35. Hear baby wake up. Soothe baby to sleep.
36. Repeat.
37. Repeat.
38. Repeat.
39. Give up and go to bed with baby. Soothe him to sleep. Toss and turn. Imagine that you are on a very narrow raft, and if you let go of your baby he'll be swept away. Calm down to the sound of his rattly breathing.
40. Decide the game is stupid; if there was a real danger you could totally stay awake and hold tight to your baby. Ease sleeping arm out from under baby's snoring head.
41. Get up. Write a very long journal entry. Fret.
42. Give up & go back to bed with the baby.

"It's like there's a hot sweaty baby on my chest!"

- michael collins discusses fish n' chips

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 12/02/2004 11:45:00 p.m.