December 09, 2007
sad and also glad

I've been crying pretty much continually this week. There was something about these last few days – maybe it was the darkness, maybe it was the stress of planning Blake's birthday party – but something spoke deep inside me, telling me that the Boy wasn't ever going to try to love me, and that all the promises I extracted from him were evaporating as quick as I could see them go. On Wednesday, while I was watching my students, I wrote a little note to myself that predicted this. "My marriage won't survive the Christmas holidays. Two weeks together will precipitate a crisis." And still I tried to hope otherwise, tried to plan some kind of a vacation that would forestall the inevitable. But I knew. I knew that I would bring it up after the party, and I knew what the answer would be.

I've been trying to figure out why this was happening since August, when the decline began shortly after my birthday. Four months of obsessive thinking later, the best I can do is sit, confounded. I don't know why he's leaving me now that things are coming together in every other part of his life. I don't know why I can't with good behaviour cancel out the bad behaviour he says has made all the difference. I only know that I can't do it for both of us. I've been trying to keep it together for so many reasons: because I love him, because I'm terrified of abandonment and life as a single mother, because it's not fair (whatever that means). But I can't do it. I can't convince him to love me again with good things, and I certainly can't browbeat him into loving me.

The bitterly ironic thing is that as soon as it was said, he let go of all the defences and cried for hours. The intimacy, the connection, the trust I had dreamt of for months was finally mine, but only when it couldn't benefit me in the slightest.

This is what's left. A heaviness and an ache that infuses everything I do. A pain that steals my sleep and my appetite and my will to move forward. I'm going to have to force myself through the motions for the next little while. Not looking forward to it at all.

7:37 p.m.

And now for something completely different. Feeling really good right now, thanks to a combination of knitting downtime at Jacquie's, surprise handmade socks (thanks, NotAnArtist!), cardio exercise, leftover vegetarian chilli and some strategic kitchen cleaning (I love how parties make you clean up before and after). I think I like feeling in control, like I'm not just moping around my house. Plus, Blake was extra happy to see me, and I'm greatly looking forward to putting him to bed tonight in his new Buzz Lightyear sheets (thanks, Andrea & K8!). More party stuff tomorrow, because despite all of the heaviness I felt that day, it was a damned good time.

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Don't make me send out the Blake. He doesn't listen to *anyone.*