pointless nostalgia

Happy birthday to my dad! Man, it was excruciating trying to get him a present this year. Most years it's pretty difficult finding something that suits him, but this year my thoughts all turn to easy outs that involve Blake and you just can't pull that kind of cheese when you all live in the same house.

Last night we settled on a Yankees t-shirt & a sheet of computer-printable magnetic paper to indulge his photo creativity (Blake magnets, anyone?). This afternoon I baked a Devil's Food Cake instead of going stir-crazy. I hope it's an acceptable effort.

Tomorrow we go north for Loftwyr & Gilamonstre's wedding. I'm very much looking forward to it. I've never been at a handfasting before (nor am I all that clear on what it is). I'm looking forward to people & party & the joy of a wedding...while remaining somewhat subdued about being outside for a really long time. Of course, if it's as nice as today, then I won't have to spare it a thought. I'm just not terrifically keen on the idea of nursing Blake in a cutting wind.

One year ago today I broke the news to my parents. Today I found myself very nostalgic for that early stage of pregnancy. I remember it as a warm hopeful time, the spring of the earth mirrored in the blossoming inside. I remember the anticipation, the wonder, the joy. I've carefully subtracted the bloated nauseous feeling that started at 5 p.m. and ended sometime around midnight. I've also misplaced the memory of almost total lethargy that changed my bedtime to 6:30. And then there was the confusion when my sense of smell hiked up, the shame of outgrowing all of my clothes before I even got pregnant, the fear that I'd never be able to stop taking the antidepressants and they'd create a monster inside me.

It's like I repackaged all of my pregnant memories on a highlight reel. I find out! Everyone is thrilled! I go clubbing in tight black clothing! I cut my hair attractively! I waddle around StanFest! I buy or receive all new clothing! I bond with my midwives! I read about the miracle of life! I teach the best 10 weeks of my career because I no longer give a damn! I pick a name with the Boy! I am surprised with a baby shower! Everyone tells me how fantastic I look! I glow!

Cut to this year, when my more than adorable baby replaced the vacuum of anticipation with a whirlwind of tiny challenges. Why is it that everything seems so much simpler in retrospect? Ah yes, because it was all in a book last year. This year I'm living the reality.

"There's more to life than books, but not much more."

Yeah, I'm a teeny bit depressed today. It'll pass. I'm just not spending enough time with the baby. I know that sounds really weird, but you have to trust me. The Boy's home on an exam break, and he's been using baby care to avoid studying. Trying to be a mom without my constant baby companion is an incredibly hollow experience, and I need to get back in touch with the centre of it all.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 4/23/2004 10:27:00 p.m.