I'm feeling disconnected today. Disassociated. Distracted. Dismissed. Discombobulated. All the dis-es. It's been growing in me all week, this mad desire to escape. It's the kind of thing that makes foxes chew off their legs - the footfalls of the approaching hunter & the innate need to keep moving. I'm still trying to figure out how much of this is being a mom and how much of this is living in my parents' basement. And of course, how much of this is simple sleep deprivation.

Thursday is my baby day, because a morning with Baby Club redeems much. Last Thursday, though, I was almost flattened by the need to sleep. Little Blake was up every 20 minutes or so and after 4 hours of continuous suckling my hips were shrieking at me from the cramped nursing position. As I tried to contribute to the discussion in Baby Club, I could feel my sentences slide off the edge of an abyss. Kerplunk...there goes all my sense. But the great thing about Baby Club is that disconnected fragments are all part of the common experience. We're all so tired that we don't fish out each other's meaning - we just wait for meaning to roll out on its own.

Problem was, I wasn't much enjoying myself. I was walking down the street to feed the meter when it hit me. I was simply too tired to enjoy myself, and if it hadn't been the highlight of the whole week, I probably would've stayed home altogether.

At lunch I sat on the edge & ate as fast as I could. I was as far from the main body of conversation as one could be without leaving the table entirely, and I was pretty sure that it was going to stay that way as I had no energy to wander. But halfway through the meal, moms gathered round our end to chat. I felt like the suddenly popular kid in a highschool cafeteria. It was very warming, and I started to enjoy myself again.

I think they like me at the Baby Club! This is good news to someone who goes way too long between peer group interractions. (Although my peer group is a bit up for grabs right now and has been since I graduated from U of T. Oh well. We thrive on diversity.)

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 3/13/2004 10:54:00 p.m.