Let's see, why haven't I been writing?

Reason #1 – I've been busier than usual.

Well. Just a little. My parents left for England last night, and while I've been alone with Blake for the whole day before, I'd grown quite accustomed to my parents popping in at random intervals and acting overjoyed to take him off my hands for a few minutes so that I could be self-indulgent. The whole house is my responsibility now; although I dreamed of being left alone I find I'm getting paranoid with the responsibility. This house is too damn empty today. For two little people, it's amazing how they filled every nook & cranny. Nic, the Boy & myself are too used to skulking at the edges; we can't make our sudden expansion all over the house feel natural. But we feel like we have to make the effort, so we're uncomfortable most of the time.

Another thing: I had Theresa over for a visit today and I had to tidy for a good half-hour just to let her in the door. My mom does an awful lot of silent cleaning. I wonder if Blake will realize this about me someday. Eh. I'm so bone-idle that there's scant chance of that.

Reason #2 – I'm totally engrossed in a book.

The book is The Kid by Dan Savage. I picked it up at the library today, and have been reading it every second I'm not talking to a friend, cooking or directly involved with Blake's care. I'd be reading it now if Blake hadn't demanded a feeding 20 minutes ago and broke my concentration. It's absolutely riveting stuff.

"Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies. Straight sex can do what gay sex cannot, make 'miracles.' The straights at our seminar had expected to grow up, fall in love, make love for fun, and sooner or later make love to make life. Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities."

Reason #3 – I have a few things to write about, and the more I don't write, the guiltier I feel.

We went to the Midwives Reunion Picnic on Saturday, and it was such a beautiful afternoon that I feel pressured to go on about it at length. But since the words aren't coming, I'll just say this:

It was a beautiful day. I was looking forward to this very much; I've seen many of these women more frequently than my pre-baby friends (even pre-baby). I know who's started waking in the night, who's reluctantly eating solids, who's crawling, who had to switch to formula in the 2nd month, who's husband is an asshole, who's really happy with their stroller...I know it all. Plus, it was another opportunity for a mass gathering of the Original Six, and I always look forward to those times. I saw many moms & babes I knew from Baby Club, plus Hectate & Locasta (which thrilled me no end – ever since the birth, I've wanted Hectate to be my friend).

We spent the afternoon in a huge huddle of blankets, babies roaming freely from lap to lap. The little crawlers swarmed me whenever I had food on my plate and I fed veggies to whomever came to me with an open mouth. From Shelley I discovered that Blake's increased nursing demands are mirrored in Dexter; all the books talk about decreased need to nurse at his age and I was starting to worry. My arms were greedy for other babies; in particular I remember holding RobbieRoo in my lap while he 'beheld' the trees & dancing Oliver around while he regarded me solemnly.

Blake came home dirty, exhausted & a little the worse for the sun; we came home the same but enormously satisfied. I'm still waiting to see pictures, as my battery died early on.

And as for Preacher's Privateers, well, maybe I'll get an afternoon to write for Christmas.

Reason #4 – I'm starting to feel self-conscious about the fact that my friends are travelling & studying & writing & dancing and all I can think about is getting my child to nap for 3 total hours each day and maybe some pureed pears for lunch yes pears are sweet...

I don't mind being a mom. But I don't want to be dismissed as just a mom.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 9/14/2004 10:31:00 p.m.