For the Boy's Christmas stocking, I found him the latest copy of the Utne Reader. This week I've finally had the chance to read it myself, during feedings and in the bathroom (my sanctuary!). I was particularly intrigued by the cover stories - all about resting and being present. I must confess, I've always had a tremendous amount of trouble with those two things. One of the possible side effects of mothering is the chance to live in the moment, but up until now it's been just another thing for me to feel guilty about. There goes Rocketbride: unshowered, boring, mired in postpartum depression & yet completely unable to take pleasure in the simple things! Well, duh. Even in the midst of nebulous guilt, I know that I need to get certain ducks in a row before I can attempt a new mode of consciousness.

Still, it's not like there's ever going to be a better time to try. So this afternoon I set about relaxing with the baby. Instead of sitting up to nurse, wrestling him into position & then reading over his back, I honoured my weariness and lay down as soon as he was firmly latched. Then I pulled up the hood of my pink fuzzy momasaurus sweater, closed my eyes and did my best to think about how well he was doing. During the first few days when my milk came in, I was mildly shocked by how good it felt to nurse. When he latched on & started to suck, I could feel it down to my toes. I, uh, got a bit distracted in the intervening days (something about a dehydrated baby and a weird digestive illness I think), and I thought that all the good feeling had subsided.

Nope. It was just waiting for me to stop & open wide to the feeling. Granted, I don't feel it all through my body...but it does feel special. Every once in awhile I opened my eyes to see him earnestly working away, his own eyes shut fast. He's growing quite the pumpkin head: big & round like a Peanuts character. The weird part is that all of that growth came from me. That's a pretty nice feeling, too.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 1/19/2004 09:47:00 p.m.