Well, we got through last night's crisis. I cried for about three hours straight, played Bauhaus really loud, and refused to look at or hold the baby until my mother came home. The I took to my bed & cried some more. The Boy brought in Blake, who lay in my arms & calmly gazed up at me as if to remind me what I was missing. So I cried on him for awhile and asked him questions that will remain between the two of us.

My mom came in & spoke gently to me until I stopped weeping. She told me that I didn't need to keep handing him off to people when he was good, and that I needed to stop worrying so much about fighting him to latch. She then told Blake that it was time to be good to me so my confidence could return. The three of us sat down on the couch and I put him to the breast. For the first time in a few days, I didn't hold his head. I didn't shove him at me. And I didn't try to stop his hands. I just held him at the right height & the right angle and waited to see what would happen.

He latched. He drank a little. He fell off, contented. I pumped for 20 minutes. And that was that.

Last night he slept for four hours, woke up chirping, was fed again, slept for another four hours, woke up chirping, and has been pretty good all day.

Maybe I won't run away to Edmonton after all.

a picture from the first week, before he gained any weight. i'm the camera-happy one in the family, and no one takes pictures of me & the baby, so this was the best i could do for now.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 12/17/2003 11:14:00 a.m.