I'm having a very difficult night. We seem to have hit the point where my lazy baby would like to be fed over hours with a tiny tube rather than quickly at the breast. He's been very fussy about latching in the last 3 days, and I'm getting more & more frustrated with him. My perception of the past 2 days has been the following:

1. Blake fusses and rejects the breast continually for an interminable time (5-7 minutes usually). Then he latches, either at the first breast or at the other. Hectate tells me that my positioning could be at fault here, so I usually work myself into an absolute lather trying to get him correctly positioned while he squirms away with all of his might.
2. He drinks with varying efficiency for 10-30 minutes from one or both breasts.
3. He falls off. I burp him.
4. I hand off Blake to one of his many admirers while he's happy, and they fingerfeed him 2 ounces of breast milk and/or formula over the next half hour or so. During this time, I sit alone in the basement & pump one or more breasts, depending on the efficiency of his feed. This takes between 20 and 40 minutes.
5. I have an hour and a half to eat, bathe, sleep, care for myself, visit, go to the bathroom, change his diapers, quiet his fussiness or talk to the midwives on the phone. I've been feeling really bad afterpains for the past few days, and medication doesn't seem to touch it...so I often have to lie down and try to relax instead of doing anything I particularly want to do. Blake is being held by other hands, who are reluctant to give him up. He usually sleeps like an angel.
6. I wake him up 3 hours after step one by checking his diaper.
7. I let him cry for 2 or 3 minutes to get nice and frantic for the breast.
8. Goto 1.

See my problem? I'm either feeding an increasingly reluctant baby (who is strong enough now to push me away with both arms, his legs, and his neck) or I'm lying down because I'm in a lot of pain or I'm pumping in front of a teevee screen or I'm visiting with guests or I'm trying to eat one-handed in 2 minutes or I'm waking up the baby. I don't ever get to hold him when he's milk-sated because I have to pump my goddamn breastmilk to little purpose - he's still drinking mostly formula during the supplements. I don't get to hold him when he's sleeping because I'm too pained or too busy shoving food in my face so I don't lose the milk altogether.

When do I get him? When he's sleeping happily & he needs to wake up. When he doesn't seem to want my breast milk. When he's at his absolute worst.

I've been crying for hours tonight. I'm just so bloody tired of living every moment in service to someone who pushes me away with both hands. I haven't wanted to see him at all tonight, because it just reminds me of everything I can't do for him right now. He's with his father and I don't know if I want to even hold him while he's being good.

I feel like utter hell. This is the lowest I've been in months.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 12/16/2003 09:45:00 p.m.