December 25, 2007
the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day

"Merry Christmas, yer arse, I pray God it's my last."

Well, I'm officially a single mom in a paper crown. Queen, if you will.

The last two days were pretty awful. The Boy's insensitivity verged on satire at times, and I found myself wondering how I could have been married to a complete stranger for so long. I'm learning to keep my expectations extremely low. And even as low as they were, it hurt that he spent most of Christmas morning clicking away on my computer (his is already gone) and seemed surprised that I would have any objection to dropping another load of his stuff at the Casa Nova on my way to Christmas dinner. It hurt that he waited until yesterday morning to tell me that his mom was coming in an hour to move his bed. It hurt that after I fled the house for 5 hours to give him space, he asked to borrow my car as soon as I walked in the door. It hurt that he skipped what would have been Blake's first Christmas Eve pageant, if Blake hadn't been felled by a sudden fever, and came home without notice near 11 p.m. It hurt that, as soon as Blake had unwrapped his many presents from Daddy, Daddy packed them up to take to Casa Nova.

And yet, there were bright points. Yesterday's church was the first Christmas Eve in years that I haven't attended under a dark cloud, fresh from an argument about why we had to drop everything and see the Boy's mother later that night. Seeing everybody's excitement, singing the carols, reciting the well-worn litany: it all seemed good and proper last night. And my family have been very helpful and kind, which is awesome while it lasts. Last night after I'd been jilted with a feverish baby, my parents came home with me to wash dishes and bake cookies. I haven't enjoyed a night like that since they used to visit in Wolfvegas. Today, when dinner got boring, Nic & I snuck away downstairs. If we were a normal family, we might have smoked a cigarette or downed a shot, but instead Nic showed me how to maximize my flexibility with isometric stretches. It's all about the clench & release, people. Really.

So, yeah. The new phase starts today. I wish that the Boy were able to look into our marriage and see something worth saving, but part of me is glad that I'll have a break from being invisible in my own house.

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Don't make me send out the Blake. He doesn't listen to *anyone.*