I think I had an epiphany this afternoon.

I didn’t mean to. I was sitting in an assembly, willing my soul out of my body while the admin droned about the discipline policy (“leave your body, Seymour. Leave your body”). I had already spent 20 minutes covertly drawing a Visual Verbal Essay about The Poisonwood Bible in my notebook, and I had prudently left my knitting in the department office to avoid temptation. In lieu of astral projection, I had nothing to do but listen. And I heard this: “why are you here?”

To keep my baby in cheddar bunnies, I thought cynically. And mama needs some yarn. It was then that I realized: I don’t mind being a teacher.

This may sound like a weak-kneed sort of epiphany to you. Bear in mind that three years ago, I found teaching so awful that I earnestly wished I could be dead rather than put in another day. Three years ago I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t think without little rats of dread nibbling at my mind. Three years ago I had panic attacks at the thought of going into the classroom. Three years ago the Boy & I made a deal: as soon as he got a job, I was free to quit and not look back.

Ariel Gore divides life satisfaction into three categories: relationship, family and career. Her theory is that most healthy people can only keep two balls in the air, and have given up the impossible dream of three. Now I find that I’m edging close to the perfect juggling circle. I love my family. I love my husband. And I kind of like my career.

I really never thought I’d be here. I never thought I’d make an entire room of 16-year-olds laugh at my wit rather than at my stupidity. I never thought I’d be able to joke with a hard-ass skipper about his wretched attendance. I never thought I’d be able to think beyond the level of survival, let alone incorporate advanced educational theory into my lessons. But there it is. Yesterday, after a particularly engaging discussion about primary concern, a student tossed me an apple in order to bribe me to her group’s point of view. The apple was small, sweet & tart – an amazing reward for my new confidence. I am incredibly lucky, incredibly blessed, and more than a little satisfied. Life is good.

- 0 comments/hedgehogs -

- Rocketbride's adventure of 9/15/2005 08:14:00 p.m.