Last night was commencement at Hogsboro High. I felt really weird in that place, like Principal Wingnut was going to appear at my elbow and announce, "okay, the dream's over. Back to work on Monday." I felt like I was getting away with something, even though it's my gov't mandated right to sit on the floor and place individual Heritage O's in the mouth of my perfect child.

Everyone wanted to know if I was having a good time (yes), if I was coming back next semester (yes) and if I was looking forward to it (no). I was pretty honest with them all; it's been a long time since I had a teaching day that could compete with an average mom day.

I was surprised to find myself incredibly proud of these kids: not just my lovelies from the Best Class in the World, but also the really rough kids who were thrilled to be graduating. It's something I've never really thought about before, as I always took it for granted that I'd graduate from high school and that attitude has continued past my own grad. It was electrifying to be near some kids who were often in doubt, but triumphed anyway.

the view from the stage

After it was over, I milled around with the staff and ate too many sweets. Good ol' sugar buzzzzz - it loosened my tongue more than was prudent, and I shared some details with former students about that first year that I probably shouldn't. Oh well. They're out of my hands now.

"I think I just said 'fuck' to a student."

I found out from Grace that I'd be teaching two levels of Grade 10 (swell) and the lower level of 11. Essentially this means that I'll be teaching the kids who flunked my course last year and the kids who passed. Can't...break...free...of...these...fucking...kids!!! And I'll be doing all my teaching in a portable. AND and and and I have three classes in a row for the first time ever.

Grace was very happy with this arrangement; she was pleased to save me from the creeping horror of floating room assignments and thought it would be easy for me to juggle home & school with a first period/last period rotating spare. I think she's right. It's kind of scary to contemplate the prospect of three in a row every day, but I'll try to see the positive aspects. At least I won't get screwed on assembly days when they cut out the lunch periods. And at least I can get some or all of my marking done in big blocks at my desk rather than cutting into Blake time at home.

Yup. All I gotta do is stay positive. There's no way it can be as bad as the first year. I'm older, I'm wiser, I'm tougher and I'm meaner. It'll all be excellent. Or if not excellent, at least bearable. Because there is no plan B. Baby's gotta eat.

Blake has been so thoroughly confused by the last few nights that all of our hard-won progress has blown away like so many dandelion clocks. Yesterday he wouldn't take an afternoon nap (the horror!) and wouldn't settle down for the night. By the time I arrived at half-past eleven, he was still popping up & demanding more attention. I put him down again, but he was up after a scant 45 minutes. Then he decided that it was morning.

This isn't a problem we've had for a very long time; usually when Blake gets up in the night he's cranky as all hell, not eager to play. Last night I lay in stunned disbelief as he crawled all over the two of us like an off-roading tank. He hooted, beeped, chirped, squealed, & babbled as he wandered around the big bed and his two exhausted parents. Every once in awhile he would snuggle his big melon head down on my shoulder and sing to himself while I worked up hope that he was settling for the night. And then he'd be off again, happily pinching my nose, cheerfully conking my forehead with his own, and cooing as he ground his little fists into my throat.

Tonight there will be the strictest of routine. And it will be repeated every night until we have beaten back the creeping wave of Not Sleeping at All. There will be no surrender, no end to our efforts until we can recapture the high stark promontory of Sleeps in Two- to Three-Hour Bursts. Cause this shit? Is killing us.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 11/06/2004 11:35:00 p.m.