October 08, 2007
heartbreak soup

This has been a very difficult week, and I'm starting to think that if I don't try to write about it now then I won't ever work up the courage.

Wednesday the Boy took me to Lettuce Knit so that we could celebrate Clara's 1st birthday with everyone, and within minutes, he was walking away. One stupid remark from a knitter and he shrunk in on himself & vanished, humiliated. He came back for me, of course, but there was so much crying (me) and free-floating anger (him) on the way home that it sapped all of my energy and I stayed home the next day. (To put that in perspective, I'd been flagging already. I left yoga class in the middle of the third sun salutation because I was afraid I would fall down, and two hours in the pits of despair took the last of my ability to pretend wellness.)

Thursday was recovery, and therefore better. We all went to a big ol' church Thanksgiving dinner that night. A most excellent time was had by all, and I began to hope that my run of luck was over.

The first two days of this weekend have been filled with work. Not professionally (which would have been smart) but domestically (which is still pretty smart, I guess). Saturday was indoors. Sunday was yard work. And we all worked together for the most part, and very happily on Sunday at least. Then on Sunday night, after we'd gone to bed, a little argument got bigger and bigger and bigger, well past the point at which we used to be able to let it go. So I asked him the question that he'd avoided for two months, and this time the answer was yes. Yes, he didn't love me. Yes, he wanted to leave.

Last night was one of the longest of my life. There was much more conversation after that, and he's agreed to wait until we can see our counsellor on Thursday, but I don't know if this is a retrial or merely a delay in execution. All I know for sure is that last night was the first night that I knew for sure that I was sharing my life with someone who didn't love me. And last night was the first night that I sincerely prayed for this cup to be taken from me.

fall keeps going, heartbreak or not

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