September 25, 2007
me, friendships, and the irony of writing this entry in this medium

I'm feeling like a bit of a heel, in that I've left you all with the impression that things continue to be terrible between myself and my mother. The morning after we had the fight, she decided to write me a letter so that we wouldn't get angry with each other. The letter basically stated her concern that this new, highly regimented school was putting too much stress on the Boy & I because it was a poor match to our more casual parenting style. This said, my mom & I have been able to move on. I haven't taken Blake out, and we're all getting better at dealing with the multitudinous demands of his JK class. It all ended up ok.

I think that it was hard for me to make peace before this letter because I more or less felt that my life was attacking me on all flanks. I put a lot of value in handling things myself and handling things well, so the idea that I would ask for a cease-fire because I was distracted by my crumbling marriage seemed a little suspect. They still don't know that we're in trouble, but at least I no longer feel the need to ward them off with that little tidbit.

I went to therapy today and spent a lot of time talking about this, about my need to keep things together and the real reluctance I have in trusting my problems to other people. I guess I feel that I chase people off with my personality soon enough; why speed it up by opening a window into the horrid carnival of my issues? He told me that I need to start opening up to more people. This diary doesn't count for much, as I am more-or-less shouting into the wind and am much less vulnerable than I'd be in person. But the best part is the realization that I, for all of my feminist poses and male friends, would rather unburden myself to a female.

Now I just have to find one, and finding one, let go temporarily of the fear that my problems will spell the end of our relationship.


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Don't make me send out the Blake. He doesn't listen to *anyone.*