Blake and I are going through a rough patch lately. I’ve been tired and cranky and stressed out to the point of snapping. I never seem to get enough sleep and I’m way, way off my diet. And Blake, with his natural devilry, has developed a need to shock, offend and otherwise blindside his adult family. This most often takes the form of inappropriate jokes and touches, although he does create other kinds of chaos when given the opportunity (see: the time at Jumbo Empanadas last month when he hurled the restroom key into the toilet.) He is a pincher, a groper, an inappropriate fondler, and his wide grin shows that this is not about youthful innocence, this is about making us uncomfortable.

Now, I’ve been dealing with this kind of behaviour long before it became a source of amusement to him. Since about 8 months of age, he has, while nursing, persistently tried to get a hold of the nipple not in play. Sears (in his infinite wisdom) recommends that this behaviour be discouraged as soon as possible. How, he doesn't say and I'd really like to fucking know because I’ve been discouraging him in stronger and stronger terms for almost two years and it hasn’t made a difference, except that now he glories in my discomfort. I used to treat it as curiosity, a natural desire to learn about the human body. It’s not like that any more. Now he laughs at me when I change. Now he says things like “poopy nipple!” and laughs. Now he pinches everyone’s nipples, from me to my grandmother to my brother and father, and delights in our unhappiness.

I don’t want to be uptight. I don’t want to be angry with him this much (and this is continual behaviour, every time I pick him up). I want him to be cool with the differences between men and women, not hung up on his parents' discomfort. Above all, I want to finish nursing when we’re both ready. But every time I nurse him (once a day, tops) he pinches and insults me, waiting for the reaction.

We’ve nursed for so long that I’d hate to end it on such a miserable downer. But I don’t want to give him any more opportunities to fuck with me. I’d love to be the cool, take it in stride mom, but I have way too much shit on my plate without this. I am not built to let it all slide, to take the hippy-dippy way out. Yes, nursing is a surrender, yes, motherhood is an opening and blending, but I’m getting to the point with him where every embrace turns into harassment. And honest to God, every time he shoves his hand down my top, acting like a logger on payday, I get a little closer to screaming in his face and spanking him. I think nursing has to be over because no one wants that.

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- Rocketbride's adventure of 6/21/2006 08:41:00 p.m.