the end of an era (or at least a year)
Very, very, very depressed. Having trouble stringing words together in a descriptive fashion, but I suppose I owe it to myself to record this last gasp of the year.
Yesterday was beyond awful. A haircut so bad that the mirror broke right after she showed me the back. Hours of weeping in frustration that almost two years of growth are swept up and dropped in the garbage, not to mention that I have to go back next year to have it fixed. And not to mention that everything in my total makeover week has gone wrong: can't find a place to fix my shoes, couldn't get new boots for love or money, new glasses in transit indefinitely, no contact lenses anymore and a horrendous new haircut. (So bad that even the Boy hated it. And he can find a kind word to say about anything.)
Sushi dinner (I cried through the first half unashamedly) and then picked up Dirk for a boring Canadian movie ("Monkey Warfare"). Two hours later, I reacted to Dirk's attempts at levity & problem solving (screaming in horror at my hair cut, then following up my hysterical phone call by asking why I don't just move out of the basement. Gosh, why don't you just snap out of your depression, Dirk? Like, a year ago?) with more tears. Hot chocolate, a costume change, and into the cold club. Enter Dav, who ignored me for an hour until Stacy showed up, so that they could ignore me in tandem. Danced to a Happy Monday song so hard that I hurt myself, went outside for a breath of air, came back to desultory conversation that went nowhere. Ache in my heart squeezing out the air in my lungs; decided to leave. Took Dirk home, wished him happy New Year's (no hugs or handshakes, not interested), had a fight with the Boy, went to bed on the couch.
Ache in my heart too much to sleep. I was and am a toothache of pain, topped off with the worst haircut since I was 11 and let him cut three-inch deep bangs. Made up with the Boy, went to sleep, woke up sad. Remembered why.
Goodbye 2006. Goodbye no friends. Goodbye no social life (except for knitting, which is roundly mocked as a pastime by everyone who used to call me and doesn't anymore). Goodbye potential hairstyles and barrettes and other fun things to weave in the 'do. [edited for angst]
Hello work and motherhood and mortgages and making my marriage crutch along another year and rented DVDs and comfort food and many, many tissues until I learn to accept my new lot in life.
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Don't make me send out the Blake. He doesn't listen to *anyone.*